If but, however, nevertheless.

i often think in times of loneliness of music and a certain person. and i realise that the music i think of associates with that certain person sometimes the music i think of is rich, classical symphonies, full of beauty, enriched with emotion and also full of power and fear. i wish that i could write that music in words. not musical notes, but full bodied words, words that were actually worthy of the substance that the music is created from.

and then i think of the person. and that one person... it hurts to think about. because every time i think of them, the hollow part of my heart seems to grow increasingly in size and then that hollowness crawls into my eyes. the black void that is ever present, makes its presence felt even more in the loneliness. and i wish that i could just hug that person, to feel them wrap themselves around me again, to fall asleep next to them again, just to know that they are there...

however. it is this music that constantly fills my mind, and so ergo, my mind is constantly filled with memories of that certain person. of times, good and bad.

but i'm dead to that person. and they must be dead to me.

nevertheless. i still think about them constantly. and i wish it were not so. i wish it were not so...

but i love those songs, those memories. because i think that, in the end, they have become something that i need. that are a part of me. and so in that knowledge, to know that i am dead to that person, and so they therefore must be dead to me also, and love those memories and those songs...

my loneliness has gotten the better of me. and it has become my friend and enemy that i have begun to love more deeply than anything i have loved before, and hated more than hatred itself.