Distractions for Daniel F.

i see sunshine. shadows flitting on the ground. flashing of monitors. unclean hands. papers everywhere.

i hear cars rushing. i hate that noise now. the fridge humming. mens oafish yelling.

i smell bitter smells. cigarette smoke. soap. washed hair. salt stained skin.

i type on everything. comment on everything. force myself outside.

i need distractions.

i need distractions.

but it doesn't drown one thing.

... Why wasn't i there for you.

Blog.

If you aren't reading my blog, there's obviously something very wrong with you.

Block Your Ears, We're Going Down...

I hate how when you try to block something out, it always finds a way in.

How you try to block that flow of words.

Those words that are able to hit where it hurts, to injure more so those already injured spots.

And i just want to slap the bitch.

I know how to block myself from people now.

It's a liberating feeling.

A Short Summary.

This is me.

Dag.

This is what i do.

And hope to pursue.

This is one of my favourite places.

Silence and a view.

This is what I need everyday.

Or else i will die.

This is what I want. 

*drool*

This is always good on a hot day.

Or cold.

This is my favourite Transformer.

*faints*

Zoooooooooooom!

Fin.

Overqualified - Joey Comeau.

Here's a taster of J. Comeau's book, "Overqualified", which i shall be recieving in two-four weeks time. Too long in my opinion.

..

To: American Apparel
Re: You bitches

Dear American Apparel,

I am writing to apply for a job and I am including my resume even though you know god damned well that I'm fucking qualified. I had that job for six years before you fired me for this bullshit. I want my job back. You've probably already given it to some stupid bitch with half my experience just because she's got tits. What else would I expect though from a cunt who sucked her way into management right from the...

Shit.

Maybe I do have issues with women.

Joey Comeau

..

Oh my god. 

I think i'm in love with Joey Comeau.

Paper Hearts Floating Around

So i went to see Paper Heart last night in Carlton with Martin. And to be honest, i thought it was brilliant.

Before that though, He felt like going for a drive to St. Kilda Beach. So that's what we did.

We read our Asimov books at the cafe/bar. Had coffee and beer. Chips. Smokes.

Then we headed out to Carlton. "In GPS, we trust."

We had gelati. I had Mango and Coffee. He had Raspberry and Strawberry.

We talked about our likes and dislikes. Mimicked conversations on the street. "The aesthetics were completely off...".

Then went to see Paper Heart.

The night was a perfect temperature. It was good. Not too hot. Not too cold.

No one wanted to play pool that night. So we're playing on Saturday.

I'm playing with Lego. I made a helicopter.

Breaking Handcuffs Into An Ocean.

There are things within time that seem so make believe. That seem to say that the very consciencousness of what and who we are are mere blimps in another life.

Questioning the existence of ourselves, we struggle onwards, against a battle that we constantly seem to lose. And shouting, screaming out, "To start over, to start again." What would you give for that?

Time takes a lot away from us. I guess it's ok. Perhaps.

Apparently tomorrow doesn't really exist, but we live in the existence of one day, that continually chooses to cover us in a black blanket at times. Sometimes it feels like all the time, doesn't it. So, a brand new day seems rather out of the question with one day to live.

A relationship doesn't need to be exclusive. Sometimes, if you know it's there, although you know you're going to lose them in the end, and even if you feel that stabbing pain in your chest, even if you see it all as wrong, even if you hear the songs, and they leave when you're still there, it's perfect. For just a second, you're at peace.

Love is blinding they say. People would follow you until the dark, they say.

If it feels like we've seen everything, and we're asking to be saved, i'd rather much be a propaganda, and see you live alone, happy.

I never want to be an item again. Never. I'm going to raise my hands, to that sky that's so blue, and hopefully touch something that i'll never see, but be satisfied that i at least touched it. For a second.


Just for this time... I love you.

Hellsing

So my mate Matt got me onto this japanese anime. It's called Hellsing, about vampires, and the battle between the true undead and artificial man made vampires. and ghouls. and stuff. It's pretty fucking sweet. I highly recommend having a looksies at it, because my god, it's awesome. The music is really good too. Apparently there are four movies after the series (there are i think if i recall correctly, about 13-17 episodes? yeah i can't remember). Anyway, it's complicated, so just watch it, mmmk?

Never A Day, Has This Beauty Died

Weight: Eugh, don't want to think about it. 

Alcohol Units: 2 

Cigarettes: 12 (v.g) 

Coffee: 5 (i should consider that intravenous stuff...) 

Amount of fuckwittage encountered: 1 

Hours spent cleaning equipment: 3 

Good thoughts: 8 (excellent)  

Shit. A perfectly good day, lost, towards the tiny confines of an office within a huge building, 3 storeys above the ground, waiting for absolutely... nothing. Scott, however gorgeous and absolutely lovely he may be, cannot waver my slight anger and annoyance that my photography session has been cancelled for the night. Bloody annoying. So, instead of enjoying a nice night out, doing the thing i love most, I'm sitting here watching ABC1, with millions of apple cores littered around me in an attempt to be more healthy... or at least look it.  

During my break, i sat outside to have a well deserved smoke and began thinking about a lot of things. 

Workmates. (fuck, i forgot how annoying Tif was eg. "Didi [i don't like that nickname you absolute brat], can you go get me a coffee while you're out? [no, i can't, i'm painfully increasing in idiocy in your presence] i mean, i don't have a break till later, and i mean... you don't really DO anything do you [FUCK YOU! i do more than you do with your little finger]... so, like, skinny, decaf yeah, with two equals, thanks Didi" [I HATE YOU...]).  

Christmas. Why was i thinking about Christmas? Christmas in July? i had no idea. And then it hit me; last night, someone starting talking about getting an awesome christmas present, now i have to think of something awesome too. DAMN YOU. you know who you are... But then i started thinking; what is a really cool present? personally, the best presents are actions. aaannndd i'm not going to anymore detail about that. But, brainwave! i have an excellent idea, HAH! 

People. A lot of strange people around Elizabeth St. They all seem to saunter, not just walk down the street. That has to say something about city folk, eh? :P And a lot of them carrying steaming cups of coffee, and the smells from the surrounding shops... mmm... my god, i needed a coffee then. 

Which then reminded me of Tif. Eugh.  

People will always, and forever more, be a chapter (many, many chapters) in my book, and i'll approach them like questions; i'll never truly have an answer, and no matter how much i think about it, and how much i write about it, i won't have anything. And i think i rather like that. I prefer people remaining as strange, and wonderful (and in Tif's case, blatantly retarded) as they are. it seems natural. Natural is good.

I also began thinking about kisses. My favourite kisses are received on the forehead. Strange? Perhaps... STOP. Must not think of such nonsense. No point. NO point! I really want to go out for dinner. Perhaps tomorrow night.

My God. I've written about absolutely nothing. I'm going to watch the telly and cuddle up with some hot chocolate.

While You Were Here I Knew I Loved You

It's been a while, I'll admit. But I haven't been enticed to display my inner thoughts out to the world.

Lately, I've been more than happy to just mull those thoughts through in my head. Lately... I've fallen in love.

Not with anyone in particular... Not even with a person. I've just realised that, Life is Beautiful. I'm quietly in love with the world that surrounds me. I'm nearing a time, where I realise... I'm happy with where I am. A realisation, that I know who I can be, and who I should be. Quietly, I'm willing to be alone, because it doesn't feel like a sacrifice anymore.

" When a body is broken into 

A million pieces and carries
With it a deserved guilt

But with that guilt
The purpose of the world
Seems to never have mattered

And sometimes it breaks their hearts
When what we're supposed to say
Is perfectly wrong. "

I've re-discovered something in me. Quietly, I realise... I'm in love with the idea of hope.  

"normal"

i really don't like life anymore.

nothing is working out.

i guess i deserve it.

fuck. i know by the end of this week my face will be red and raw. especially my cheeks.

i hate self pity, but i can't help it.

why doesn't anyone like me.

i'm losing so much more trust in people again. 

i think i did a good job of faking happiness today. it worked for a while. i tricked myself i was happy. then towards the end again, i had to constantly force myself to be normal. "normal".

fuck.

Parade

he liked how the colours seemed so different from his skin. he liked the raw crimsons, the flowing dark reds, the scabbed scarlet lines. streaming down his wrist, his arm. he watched it.

it felt good. 

he held the small thin sheet of cool metal between his thumb and forefinger. he brought it closer to his eye, examining. watching the red dry. it would turn brown by morning. 

quickly.

he pierced the flesh. more red flowed out. he hadn't realised how much he missed it until now.

he watched it gush, gushing, flowing, drain from his body. he saw white. 

~

these people i know are too good for what they do for me every day, night, season.

yet could i ever kill myself here? to stain my blood in this place?

but this place is too beautiful to be further ruined by my existence.

this place can't be for me at all. this place is for you.

so searching for somewhere that's worthy, she found a pit, as black, and as deserving as she was worthy of.

beneath the earth was where she belonged.

~

i wish that sometimes, i was non-existent to the world.

i wish that sometimes, the people i know, didn't know me at all.

i wish that sometimes... maybe... i didn't have words to write, and words to speak.

because then at least, i couldn't parade myself for the world to see.

i hate myself for it.

School Time

it's 12.50am.

i should be sleeping. but i can't.

i have school in... at least six hours.

shit. 

happy first day of school :|

thinking of you

after hanging out with the guys at Simone's house, i feel rather strange. 

rather empty actually.

it's like for a while, i've just temporarily filled that void in my chest and in my eyes. 

i did have fun. lots of fun. 

but now, i realise how much i miss you.

i'm always thinking of you.

i hope you understand.

that nothing seems as right as it used to. 

i just wish that you would come back. 

i just wish that we were still friends.

i'm thinking of you. even if you don't want to.

i'm here.

but i'll keep quiet. and feel that void in myself until i figure out what will help more than a night of cigarettes and chatter.

because the cigarettes and chatter mean nothing until you're here.

so i'll wait. and keep silent.

i'm thinking of you.

She's Leaving Home.

do you ever get that feeling like there's a block in your chest, in your breathing, in your movements, when all your actions are screaming out to you NO NO NO NO because it's all going wrong?

i'm tired. from work. from thinking. from business. from meetings. from memories. from places. from routine. from priorities. from crying. from anger. from loneliness. from isolation. but strangely, also from people.

i'm so tired. i don't want to keep fighting to survive anymore. i just want to live a little.

i want to get away from here. because there are memories too strong, priorties too overwhelming and i'm not ready for any of it. i just want to be 17 while i can. because i know as soon the clock ticks one second past midnight, and i'm 18, i'll have no excuse to say, "but i'm only..."

i need excuses. i think everyone does.

help.

Valentine's Day Preparations

Dorothy Chan is now taking applications for Feb 14th, Romantic Valentines Day Date. Succesful applicants will be notified by email. Please apply below. Thank you!

lol.

Nathan's Going Away & So Is Mother

tonight i had two events planned: Nathan's going away party at Colombo's and mother leaving for a very long period of time.

let's start with Nathan's party. .

c'était beaucoup d'amusement. j'ai profité d'un agréable moment. j'ai réalisé combien j'ai manqué être autour des amis. mais j'avais évité regardant quelqu'un toute la nuit, et il a aidé, parce qu'ils étaient celui qui ne m'ont pas voulu autour. mais d'autre part, stupidement, je les ai regardés. et pour une fois dans un temps très long,ils ont semblé réellement heureux de regarder mon visage. ils ont souri. et cela juste un peu m'a estropié un peu. j'ai dû mettre en fonction un acte de reine de glace juste ainsi je n'ai pas fait celui que c'ait été moi ait fait de nouveau. et oh le seigneur, m'aident. 'ai réalisé combien je les ai manqués. je vraiment les ai manqués. et je me suis demandé s'ils faisaient aussi. de sorte que laissé m'assez triste.mais il était vraiment bon de voir qu'ils étaient heureux. ils ont semblé bons aussi.

then i had mothers leaving. i left the party early so i could see mother off. it was nice. she wasn't angry at anyone, she was in a good mood, thank heavens. i like to see her happy. but yeah. i realise things are going to be different. more difficult. but i'm up to it. for now. during school, i don't know what's going to happen. i'm scared.

sigh. too many emotions tonight. too many. i wish i could crawl into a ball and not have to think about boys, businesses, future or anything. sigh.

Two Cents Worth

~

my inspiration to write comes from many things. what i see in a day. what i experience in a day. what i think in a day. the things i can capture with a camera in a day. who has been with me in a day. but most of all, things that have just, happened.  

and it always seems to me that i view things in the middle.

all seems hard when you're looking at things from in the middle. things seems different. everything is different. but more so from the middle.

perhaps we should start looking from the start and make our way to the end, instead of starting in the middle. it would make more sense, non?

~

it's not that i don't like the internet. hell, it makes up 78.35% of my social life. without it, i'd be a recluse, a hermit, unknown to the world, and the world unknown to me. but right now, it feels like the internet is driving me into a state of demented boredom. i want to be doing things, i want to look nice, and get dressed up all the time, do things i've not done before, spend money, go camping... all those things.

but because i'm tied down with things i must do, i feel like something has been stolen from me. could well be a childhood that i've always wanted to live. because it feels like, most of my childhood, has been either working for a business, or taking care of a family that, as selfish as it may sound, should have taken care of it's own children, not vice versa. but what good is feeling sorry for myself? i'm doing something about it now.

~

i've made it common knowledge to most people that i do not appreciate having to rely on other persons for comfort, for charity, or for sympathy. i loathe self pity, and dependency. and i've always thought to myself, that if you want something done, just go damn well do it yourself, because it's your choice whether you want to change or not. no point whinging about it all the time. and if you feel that you can't change a situation, then don't start complaining about it. don't start saying that it's useless, nothing will change. either do something, to yourself, or to help the situation change, or shut up and wait it out. because no one else want's to hear a goddam thing about it.

~

i am constantly changing, even if the people and it's surroundings are not. and i don't give two cents what anyone thinks anymore. i'll wear what i want, say what i want, think what i want and give a damn about who i want.

and i can say i give a damn about you, so there you are.

~

A Certain Sign of Insanity

dorothy says:
boooooored

dorothy says:
i'm going to have a conversation with you even though you're not here

dorothy says:
do you reckon _______ and _____ would make a nice couple? i think they would

dorothy says:
hm

dorothy says:
maybe i should try set them up

dorothy says:
they already are friends thats a good start.

dorothy says:
hm

dorothy says:
i think they'd be good together.

dorothy says:
i'm glad everyone's romantic section in life is going well

dorothy says:
though i don't know how to take it. i'm happy for them. but then i get a strange feeling too. i don't actually know what the feeling is.

dorothy says:
ok, so maybe i'm just a bit jealous. maybe I want to be ___. all i hear are love songs lately. lol.

dorothy says:
i miss him a lot. fuck, there i go again.

dorothy says:
and i was doing so well too! lol... hm.

dorothy says:
i really like that song Seventeen Forever. "we won't be seventeen forever..."

dorothy says:
reminds me that i won't be seventeen forever. i like that song.

dorothy says:
this is a certain sign of insanity... isn't it.

dorothy says:
...

dorothy says:
crap.

Quizzes for the quiz-a-holics

i find that i complete many personal quizzes and post them on myspace bulletins. it kind of depresses me (in a non-depressive way if that does indeed make any sense) that i do them, because really, it's just a sign that i'm in need of some help with my social life, because obviously if i'm doing them.. i have none. i loathe them for that part. and yet at the same time i know i have the ability to stop doing them. so why don't i just stop doing them?

because sub-conciously i like them a lot.

you don't understand how much it shames me to say so. it fills me with humiliation, pain and... and.. and even deeper humiliation and pain that i like doing these self absorbed, grammatically challenged quizzes, where the word "think" or "thought" or "intellect" has never been seen in the dictionaries of the people that MAKE these quizzes. no, they aren't even quizzes to me anymore. it's just one question, one repeated question that asks me what's going on in my life. and all i have to answer is : work.

OH THE SHAME OF IT ALL.

i've even started to copy some into word documents and saved them... for later....

and i whisper in horror to myself; 

"noooooooooooooo..."

what are you woman? are you stupidity, with horrendous grammar, that would repulse even the homeless man on the street? or are you.. you... a... woman?!

on a brighter note, i've started to sketch two portraits. though, they are of the same person... and it concerns me that i am sketching them... but see, they're difficult to sketch. they have these characteristics about them that i can't capture, and i pains me that i can't get them right. i'm a bit of a perfectionist come sketching. or anything that i draw really. unless it's oil pastels. i love oil pastels.

but what i can't seem to get right is the mouth. i can get the nose right, the eyes right (and i had to practice a lot with eyes) the shape of the face, the hair, everything but the mouth... and i think i'm scared of getting it wrong. because this person once upon a time to me was perfect. and if i get this picture wrong, perhaps i'm facing the reality that they aren't perfect, which they aren't of course, but still... i like to think it's perfect. 

anyway. i'm off to do some more re-designing for work, oh joy.

peace out homes.

chilli books and songs

i really quite like this live version to I'm Yours (Jason Mraz). i'm a bit obsessed actually. i sing it all the time now. it's nice i thinks. it suits the days that are coming. it's beachy. i like beachy. i'd love to perform it some time soon.

another thing i've become completely obsessed over lately are chillies. goddam, i love chillies. we have these green chillies that are so hot, and i love them. i think i'm become a chilli addict. yuuuuummmmm....

and ice cream. it's so fattening,but hell, i don't care anymore. i don't need to look good for anyone, but me.

i've been reading two books at the same time. one is Agatha Christie's 50 short stories Hercule Poirot and the other is Perfume: Story of a Murderer. both are so good, that i couldn't read them one at a time. don't you love books that do that to you?
that grip you so well that you can hardly wait to wake up the next day to read it? yeah, that's how i am.

this blog is going to be very short, because i'd rather much spend my time reading in the sun and tanning. i'll do that in about 15minutes:)

anyway, i'm getting better. life is getting better. i'm learning to forget. though last night, i saw a star and saw the half moon. it reminded me of how i felt like a half. and my other half was in the dark.
anyway,

i'm off to eat chilli hehe.

"well open up your mind and see like meeeeeee..."

If but, however, nevertheless.

i often think in times of loneliness of music and a certain person. and i realise that the music i think of associates with that certain person sometimes the music i think of is rich, classical symphonies, full of beauty, enriched with emotion and also full of power and fear. i wish that i could write that music in words. not musical notes, but full bodied words, words that were actually worthy of the substance that the music is created from.

and then i think of the person. and that one person... it hurts to think about. because every time i think of them, the hollow part of my heart seems to grow increasingly in size and then that hollowness crawls into my eyes. the black void that is ever present, makes its presence felt even more in the loneliness. and i wish that i could just hug that person, to feel them wrap themselves around me again, to fall asleep next to them again, just to know that they are there...

however. it is this music that constantly fills my mind, and so ergo, my mind is constantly filled with memories of that certain person. of times, good and bad.

but i'm dead to that person. and they must be dead to me.

nevertheless. i still think about them constantly. and i wish it were not so. i wish it were not so...

but i love those songs, those memories. because i think that, in the end, they have become something that i need. that are a part of me. and so in that knowledge, to know that i am dead to that person, and so they therefore must be dead to me also, and love those memories and those songs...

my loneliness has gotten the better of me. and it has become my friend and enemy that i have begun to love more deeply than anything i have loved before, and hated more than hatred itself.

On the first day of '09...

Paramore introduced us into the new year of 2009. along with the fireworks and drunken yells of HAPPY NEW YEAR HAPPY NEW YEAR OUCH THAT HURT...WHOOO...OOOOH...AHHH... MORE FUCKING SPARKLERS!!!!... etc. etc.

yes we were indeed just a bit drunk. just a little bit. 

so that's how my new year started. partying with my best mates, the ones that had actually stuck with me, put up with me, accepted me for who i was throughout the year of 2008. and i love them so much for it. thanks guys. i owe you one. a big one.

yet, the year of '09 isn't starting off as perfectly as i hoped. i'm still left wondering in a lot of areas in my life, still left thinking if i should move on, or if i should give it another go, or if i should try and forget, and block out whatever it is that eats me up. i try and take deep breaths, and say, "you can do it, you can do it" i try and convince myself things will be better once i start school. and i'm sure they will. but i think i know what i need to do, after much thought. because i can't change the way people think of me, or if they want to push me away, i can't change that, as hard as i try.

because i don't want to be an idiot anymore. because i know that now, more than ever, the one that you want to save you, will sometimes not be there. you have to save yourself.

and that no matter who i am, what i do, or what is happening in my life... i have to learn to live my life. my life. 

and that's what i learnt on the first day of '09.