Arrows To The Underground

i'm selfish. i always have been. many of my actions, though seemingly benefit others, in actual reality, benefit myself most of all. i'll tell you why. because i know that to make them happy, however briefly, makes me most of all happy. that's a selfish act that is.

i'm insecure. i can get very clingy and emotionally distraught. and i'm quite comfortable not knowing what could happen next, but if i start to lose something that i hold dear, i'll become a monster of insecurity and clinginess. i don't enjoy it. nor do others i'm sure.

i realise i use the word "i" too much. i'm aware of it. i wonder if it's a bad thing. i bet it is.

and then i see the news, read the papers, and wonder if anything will ever be what it could be. what we all want it to be. i look at the world, i watch the people that live in it, and i try understand what it is that seems so destructive, so constructive, so negative, so positive. i try understand its hope, its optimism, its despair and regret. and i understand that all seems cliched.

but then i wonder if it's just better to hide in the end.

i'm good at hiding things when i feel like it. it's like keeping up an act most times. everything seems unreal, like a written script. so i try hide and blend. i hide many things, bury them, keep them underground. and these blogs, well, these blogs are arrows to that underground. these blogs are arrows to the underground. they're a way of keeping me sane, displaying to the world how emotionally fucked i am. i scream out to the world everything that goes on in my mind, and i can still keep face, because i haven't actually told anyone. and the people that read this, i know that they will not want to talk about in person, because there are much more pressing matters at hand. but in the end, these blogs are some of the most selfish things. because i need the attention, but then again, i don't want it. it's so confusing, so scary, and i lose myself in the world i live in because it's where no one seems to know how to be patient and wait. where no one knows how to say to each other "stop. breathe. listen"

no one listens as well as they could. i don't listen as well as i could. no one listens as well as they should.

so this blog entry is another arrow to guide you through my underground. i'm hiding away here. trying to hide from being hurt from the world, yet still trying to live as best a life i can.

and i don't know what you'll find at the end of the underground, because i'm not so sure what i'll find...

Abbreviations of.

there is one word, no, abbreviation of a phrase, that causes something similar to disgust and implosion of fury in my mind every time i see it.

ily.

WHAT. THE FUCK.

i do not understand. every time i see it, i can hear this annoyingly high pitched, whiney voice saying it like "EE-LEEEEEEEE YOU!". and if you say that, you're saying " i love you you." 

that don't make sense, fool!

i've tried using it many a time just to be in with all these young hooligan kids with their hippity hoppity riff raff bojangle dangle slang, but i feel every time i try to use it, i'm breaking some sacred vow of english language, i feel like i'm abusing the laws of life and all that is good and pure and decent. don't ask me why, it just happens. maybe it's because ILY is such a derogatory way to express love in my opinion. ok, so that sounds stupid, but think about it and you realise the word love and all its connotations is so overly used now, it's lost all meaning. 

now, not saying i'm not guilty of using "lol", "omg" and "brb" and such in my vocabulary every now and then (that's where people start looking at me disgustedly),  but it's very much the same with many abbreviated phrases nowadays. the more we use them, the more it seems we're trying to find the perfect word, one word that will sum up everything, so there is no need for dictionaries, no need for the english lanuguage, or any language at all. because one day, there will be one singular word that will be universally understood that is an answer to everything. which seems to me to be reminiscent of George Orwell's Nineteen-Eighty Four. and that scares the shit out of me. 

so the next time, happy bloggers, you want to you use that abbreviation of i love you, think about what you're killing.

the connotations, the meaning, and the english language.

p.s i've just learnt from my learned friend Carl that there is no universally acknowledged abbreviation for the word abbreviate. 

WHAT KIND OF STUPID....holy crap.

p.p.s but then i looked it up and there's abbr. so he's wrong. i think.

Full of Obscene Vernacular.

there are times when i wake up on mornings and think "not again." i think this because a) the monotonous and repetitious cycle i go through many a day just bores the complete crap out of me and i know i could be doing something more "pro-active", you might say. b) the knowledge i have of that day fills me with dread and i just don't want to get out of bed. c) i'm just a bitter pisser.

so what do i do? what TO do? well, nothing really, i'm fucked either way really. i live in a country of choice, but the choice i end up making in the end are the priorities that i must do. it's so great. and if i choose to say "NO" my parents put me into a guilt trip, and i end up doing what i have to anyway. some fucking holiday this turned out to be. but there really is no use in complaining. what's the point? i always get people complaining to me about how they can't do anything about it, well, yes, you can. you have the ability to change, so do it. don't fucking whinge and say it's all going to shit. because you can actually change it, dickwad. because that's not what i'm going to do anymore. with one section of my life anyway.

as i start my mysterious count down (actually i started last night, so meh), i'm feeling a little anxious. because i know that i go through these cycles. first it's full confidence i can do it. then the second phase that i usually fail in. the third phase i sometimes reach but then inevitably fail in. and then a fourth phase i've never reached in my life. but, i'm determined to reach it this time. if i don't, i swear i'll kill myself. it's gone on too long in my opinion, i either get it right, or just piss it.

i'm going to end this blog entry abruptly. now.

affected. effected.

i've started a count down. or a NY's resolution.

i won't say what for. but i think that people will figure it out soon enough. especially those who'll be affected. effected. i'm never sure which word it is. 

but yes. hopefully it will help me. and those that are affected. effected.

because none of us need it really.

i've made a note of it in my journal. mark off days and/or nights accordingly.

and i hope to god that i'll keep it. i really do.

i really fucking do.

Vivaldi, Rocky Road and Jock

lately, i've been quite immersed in classical music. more than usual anyway. i've always had an appreciation of classical music, it conjures up such beauty in my mind... and as i've said before, i've taken to listening to it more often. i'm listening to it right now. i quite like Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" especially Summer. and i'm going to bet lots of people are relating Four Seasons to Four Seasons Condoms. NO. NOT THAT. music. pure, intricate, bedazzling orchestral music that is heaven for ones ears. but i do enjoy a bit of screamo too hehe. i find it calming and sometimes very haunting. last night i was reading a bit of Agatha Christie, and listening to Symphony 6. made me really creeped out. the third movement was creeeeeepy. honestly it was. didn't help i was reading a scary bit too. but apart from Vivaldi and Beethoven, i've also got a taste for Tchaikovsky, Ravel, and Bach. and in my opinion, the Slovak Philharmonic Orchestra have really got it down pat with the classics. 

another new thing i've started to enjoy is rocky road. i made my own rocky road for the first time a couple of days ago, and really enjoyed making it. as well as eating it. it's such a simple sweet to make. just chuck all the ingredients in, whiz it round together and presto. great thing to make. really so easy, i reckon kids would have a ball making it. if i ever have my own kids, that's one of the first things i'll teach them to make. after spaghetti. before something healthy. maybe like salads and sandwiches. some shit like that.

speaking of rocky road, i went to visit an old friend of mine today. Jock. and his wife Sue, so that's two old friends. i brought over some rocky road. gone in a flash. they had this little NY party thingy with their neighbours, so it was really nice to meet them all. 

something i love about going to their house is that there's always something interesting to talk about. they're such intellectual people, and i wish i could retain as much information and knowledge that Jock has in his brain. i just usually sit there and gape like an idiot. i just listen to what he says. anything i say seems to be stupid. but i love it there. it's like an alchemists house. full of strange and wonderful things, to excite, to explore, to learn. but when i say that, i don't mean their house. i mean, what is wonderful, and strange, and exciting is Jock's vast knowledge of the world. he knows so much. i hope that one day, i can be like him.

every year since i've known them, they've given me the one christmas gift that i most like to recieve. BOOKS. so there's a hint for you. if you want to get me a present, get me a good book. one that's full of information. this year, i got a book about the history of famous people, who shaped the world. ideas that shaped the world. it's a good book. i've started to look through it. it has seperate sections from politics, to sicience, to art. it's so good. anyway, yes. they're such amazing people. and did i say i used to play chess with him? and he'd teach me all these strategies, so that the next time i played against him, i'd be a bit better. by the end of it, we were both reading each other like a book. it was always hard to win, on both sides. that was a while ago. 

Jock caught Dinghy Fever when he last went to Vietnam. he was really sick. really really sick. got me scared. but he's a tough nut, won't go down without a fight. 

i really do love that man. he's like a grand-dad. and today, he called me his grand-daughter from south east asia! lol...

i hope that when i finish school, i do him proud. i want to succeed not only for me, but for him too. he made me believe that i wasn't stupid. 

he made that fire of learning and determination in my stomach into a blaze throughout my whole body that i don't think will be put down by anyone yet. not yet.

i have a lot to thank him for Jock. it'll be sad to see him go. he's getting on in years. yeah.

anyway. that's it for now. till next time, au revoir!

In the lead up.

as i sip this black tea, and type one handed on the Mac (i heart Mac), reflection of the day is called upon.
drat. i curse myself for pressing the enter/return button twice, as i believe i posted a blank entry, because that thing that tells you in big bright words "Your post is succesful!" or something like that popped up. pops up. so i hastily pressed the "edit blog" in horror, panicking at my stupidity.
and i do realise my grammar is not up to scratch right now, changing from past tense, to present tense, to future tense (right?). once again, the word vomit is just coming up without thought. word vomit is one of my talents it seems.
i have put down the black tea. it's getting annoying, typing one handed.
In the lead up to the big count down of NY (New Years, not New York, though i wish it were), i find myself gazing out to fairy light infested homes, and listening to the drunken yells of joy from neighbouring homes. it's all so lovely. and i found myself thinking "good grief, people put so much effort to put up christmas lights, when they know that they have to take them back down." i find it rather amusing. i saw one house that had propped on their roof "HAPPY NEW Y AR" in lights. i wonder if they've realised yet that the "E" isn't working.
but anyway. that wasn't leading anywhere, i just felt like putting it in.
today, for the first time in my memorable 17 years on this earth, i entered the magical world of the drive-in in all it's glory. from the Luna Cafe (get your munchies!) i purchased what i knew i would regret later that night a probable salmonella infested Chicken burger, deep-fried-in-week-old-oil Chips and a pepsi combo meal. i gave that pepsi to my cousin, because being the nice person i am, i thought it safe to give her the only good thing out of the meal. turned out the pepsi was flat. the movie wasn't bad, though as we had parked next to a family of five children and also a drunken group of teens, it could have been better. then again, could have been worse. at least my stomach had the courtesy of holding down the burger until i had gotten home.
one thing that i took note of about the drive-in was the advertisement for the Luna Cafe. you know how in franchise ads for Hungry Jacks, McDonalds, KFC and all that, the burgers and the meals all look so good? well the images for the Luna Cafe, were not in any way desirable for consumption. they actually, did not put any effort into that ad. that's what i liked about it. it was something a nine year old could have put together. in one bit, they advertised that you could buy a good cup of tea or coffee from them...they advertised that tea or coffee in styrofoam cups. no effort in presentation. god, i loved it.
i hope that one day, i can bring a group of friends to that drive in and have the same magical experience together, a good bonding session. it really was actually kinda nice.
and once again, i have produced a half hearted entry, where i could stay up until 3am to make it half decent, but i'll save that for another day. or night.

alright, i'm going. i'll try writing a better blog later.

Christmas Day Eve.

Strangely enough, the time when i know i should have something to write about... nothing comes to mind. 

i could indeed write about Christmas day, because it is, after all, Christmas. i could write about what i did today. like how i baked shortbread late last night because i felt like it. or how i made rocky road and almond sweets because i was home alone most of the time. i could write about how i absolutely had to check my phone every eighteen minutes today because i was hoping that certain people would have wanted to contact me. or how i kept conjuring up images of myself as a wife serving my special mulled wine to guests at the annual christmas gathering...and then saying to myself "too far, too far.".  i could write about the people i thought about, like what they were doing, how they were feeling, then realising that i could answer that latter thought. they were feeling merry. i could write about the things i wish i could be doing, or, the people i could be seeing. or the movies i wanted to see. or how i kept looking longingly at the moonlight cinema guide, dreaming of nestling up to someone while watching something under a clear sky. i could write about how i was imagining New Year's to be like...again. i could write about how i kept reminding myself that good things take time in the end. that life can be beautiful...it can be. i just need to keep faith.

i could write about how family seems to diminish nowadays. or i could write about how i kept wanting to climb onto the roof as usual and just watch the sun go down. i could write about how there was mistletoe at the front door, but then i took it down because there really was no actual point in having it there. i could write about the movie i plan to watch on telly, Ever After, and wish how life were a movie. i could even write about how i was tempted to go for a walk to the bridge and count the cars going under like i have countless times, lost in thought...

and then i realise... i've written my first entry whilst not actually writing anything at all. just a string of word vomit.

oh my god.

just imagine how the rest of this blog will be like :|

i need mi goreng.  stat.