Arrows To The Underground

i'm selfish. i always have been. many of my actions, though seemingly benefit others, in actual reality, benefit myself most of all. i'll tell you why. because i know that to make them happy, however briefly, makes me most of all happy. that's a selfish act that is.

i'm insecure. i can get very clingy and emotionally distraught. and i'm quite comfortable not knowing what could happen next, but if i start to lose something that i hold dear, i'll become a monster of insecurity and clinginess. i don't enjoy it. nor do others i'm sure.

i realise i use the word "i" too much. i'm aware of it. i wonder if it's a bad thing. i bet it is.

and then i see the news, read the papers, and wonder if anything will ever be what it could be. what we all want it to be. i look at the world, i watch the people that live in it, and i try understand what it is that seems so destructive, so constructive, so negative, so positive. i try understand its hope, its optimism, its despair and regret. and i understand that all seems cliched.

but then i wonder if it's just better to hide in the end.

i'm good at hiding things when i feel like it. it's like keeping up an act most times. everything seems unreal, like a written script. so i try hide and blend. i hide many things, bury them, keep them underground. and these blogs, well, these blogs are arrows to that underground. these blogs are arrows to the underground. they're a way of keeping me sane, displaying to the world how emotionally fucked i am. i scream out to the world everything that goes on in my mind, and i can still keep face, because i haven't actually told anyone. and the people that read this, i know that they will not want to talk about in person, because there are much more pressing matters at hand. but in the end, these blogs are some of the most selfish things. because i need the attention, but then again, i don't want it. it's so confusing, so scary, and i lose myself in the world i live in because it's where no one seems to know how to be patient and wait. where no one knows how to say to each other "stop. breathe. listen"

no one listens as well as they could. i don't listen as well as i could. no one listens as well as they should.

so this blog entry is another arrow to guide you through my underground. i'm hiding away here. trying to hide from being hurt from the world, yet still trying to live as best a life i can.

and i don't know what you'll find at the end of the underground, because i'm not so sure what i'll find...