Full of Obscene Vernacular.

there are times when i wake up on mornings and think "not again." i think this because a) the monotonous and repetitious cycle i go through many a day just bores the complete crap out of me and i know i could be doing something more "pro-active", you might say. b) the knowledge i have of that day fills me with dread and i just don't want to get out of bed. c) i'm just a bitter pisser.

so what do i do? what TO do? well, nothing really, i'm fucked either way really. i live in a country of choice, but the choice i end up making in the end are the priorities that i must do. it's so great. and if i choose to say "NO" my parents put me into a guilt trip, and i end up doing what i have to anyway. some fucking holiday this turned out to be. but there really is no use in complaining. what's the point? i always get people complaining to me about how they can't do anything about it, well, yes, you can. you have the ability to change, so do it. don't fucking whinge and say it's all going to shit. because you can actually change it, dickwad. because that's not what i'm going to do anymore. with one section of my life anyway.

as i start my mysterious count down (actually i started last night, so meh), i'm feeling a little anxious. because i know that i go through these cycles. first it's full confidence i can do it. then the second phase that i usually fail in. the third phase i sometimes reach but then inevitably fail in. and then a fourth phase i've never reached in my life. but, i'm determined to reach it this time. if i don't, i swear i'll kill myself. it's gone on too long in my opinion, i either get it right, or just piss it.

i'm going to end this blog entry abruptly. now.