thinking of you

after hanging out with the guys at Simone's house, i feel rather strange. 

rather empty actually.

it's like for a while, i've just temporarily filled that void in my chest and in my eyes. 

i did have fun. lots of fun. 

but now, i realise how much i miss you.

i'm always thinking of you.

i hope you understand.

that nothing seems as right as it used to. 

i just wish that you would come back. 

i just wish that we were still friends.

i'm thinking of you. even if you don't want to.

i'm here.

but i'll keep quiet. and feel that void in myself until i figure out what will help more than a night of cigarettes and chatter.

because the cigarettes and chatter mean nothing until you're here.

so i'll wait. and keep silent.

i'm thinking of you.

She's Leaving Home.

do you ever get that feeling like there's a block in your chest, in your breathing, in your movements, when all your actions are screaming out to you NO NO NO NO because it's all going wrong?

i'm tired. from work. from thinking. from business. from meetings. from memories. from places. from routine. from priorities. from crying. from anger. from loneliness. from isolation. but strangely, also from people.

i'm so tired. i don't want to keep fighting to survive anymore. i just want to live a little.

i want to get away from here. because there are memories too strong, priorties too overwhelming and i'm not ready for any of it. i just want to be 17 while i can. because i know as soon the clock ticks one second past midnight, and i'm 18, i'll have no excuse to say, "but i'm only..."

i need excuses. i think everyone does.

help.

Valentine's Day Preparations

Dorothy Chan is now taking applications for Feb 14th, Romantic Valentines Day Date. Succesful applicants will be notified by email. Please apply below. Thank you!

lol.

Nathan's Going Away & So Is Mother

tonight i had two events planned: Nathan's going away party at Colombo's and mother leaving for a very long period of time.

let's start with Nathan's party. .

c'était beaucoup d'amusement. j'ai profité d'un agréable moment. j'ai réalisé combien j'ai manqué être autour des amis. mais j'avais évité regardant quelqu'un toute la nuit, et il a aidé, parce qu'ils étaient celui qui ne m'ont pas voulu autour. mais d'autre part, stupidement, je les ai regardés. et pour une fois dans un temps très long,ils ont semblé réellement heureux de regarder mon visage. ils ont souri. et cela juste un peu m'a estropié un peu. j'ai dû mettre en fonction un acte de reine de glace juste ainsi je n'ai pas fait celui que c'ait été moi ait fait de nouveau. et oh le seigneur, m'aident. 'ai réalisé combien je les ai manqués. je vraiment les ai manqués. et je me suis demandé s'ils faisaient aussi. de sorte que laissé m'assez triste.mais il était vraiment bon de voir qu'ils étaient heureux. ils ont semblé bons aussi.

then i had mothers leaving. i left the party early so i could see mother off. it was nice. she wasn't angry at anyone, she was in a good mood, thank heavens. i like to see her happy. but yeah. i realise things are going to be different. more difficult. but i'm up to it. for now. during school, i don't know what's going to happen. i'm scared.

sigh. too many emotions tonight. too many. i wish i could crawl into a ball and not have to think about boys, businesses, future or anything. sigh.

Two Cents Worth

~

my inspiration to write comes from many things. what i see in a day. what i experience in a day. what i think in a day. the things i can capture with a camera in a day. who has been with me in a day. but most of all, things that have just, happened.  

and it always seems to me that i view things in the middle.

all seems hard when you're looking at things from in the middle. things seems different. everything is different. but more so from the middle.

perhaps we should start looking from the start and make our way to the end, instead of starting in the middle. it would make more sense, non?

~

it's not that i don't like the internet. hell, it makes up 78.35% of my social life. without it, i'd be a recluse, a hermit, unknown to the world, and the world unknown to me. but right now, it feels like the internet is driving me into a state of demented boredom. i want to be doing things, i want to look nice, and get dressed up all the time, do things i've not done before, spend money, go camping... all those things.

but because i'm tied down with things i must do, i feel like something has been stolen from me. could well be a childhood that i've always wanted to live. because it feels like, most of my childhood, has been either working for a business, or taking care of a family that, as selfish as it may sound, should have taken care of it's own children, not vice versa. but what good is feeling sorry for myself? i'm doing something about it now.

~

i've made it common knowledge to most people that i do not appreciate having to rely on other persons for comfort, for charity, or for sympathy. i loathe self pity, and dependency. and i've always thought to myself, that if you want something done, just go damn well do it yourself, because it's your choice whether you want to change or not. no point whinging about it all the time. and if you feel that you can't change a situation, then don't start complaining about it. don't start saying that it's useless, nothing will change. either do something, to yourself, or to help the situation change, or shut up and wait it out. because no one else want's to hear a goddam thing about it.

~

i am constantly changing, even if the people and it's surroundings are not. and i don't give two cents what anyone thinks anymore. i'll wear what i want, say what i want, think what i want and give a damn about who i want.

and i can say i give a damn about you, so there you are.

~

A Certain Sign of Insanity

dorothy says:
boooooored

dorothy says:
i'm going to have a conversation with you even though you're not here

dorothy says:
do you reckon _______ and _____ would make a nice couple? i think they would

dorothy says:
hm

dorothy says:
maybe i should try set them up

dorothy says:
they already are friends thats a good start.

dorothy says:
hm

dorothy says:
i think they'd be good together.

dorothy says:
i'm glad everyone's romantic section in life is going well

dorothy says:
though i don't know how to take it. i'm happy for them. but then i get a strange feeling too. i don't actually know what the feeling is.

dorothy says:
ok, so maybe i'm just a bit jealous. maybe I want to be ___. all i hear are love songs lately. lol.

dorothy says:
i miss him a lot. fuck, there i go again.

dorothy says:
and i was doing so well too! lol... hm.

dorothy says:
i really like that song Seventeen Forever. "we won't be seventeen forever..."

dorothy says:
reminds me that i won't be seventeen forever. i like that song.

dorothy says:
this is a certain sign of insanity... isn't it.

dorothy says:
...

dorothy says:
crap.

Quizzes for the quiz-a-holics

i find that i complete many personal quizzes and post them on myspace bulletins. it kind of depresses me (in a non-depressive way if that does indeed make any sense) that i do them, because really, it's just a sign that i'm in need of some help with my social life, because obviously if i'm doing them.. i have none. i loathe them for that part. and yet at the same time i know i have the ability to stop doing them. so why don't i just stop doing them?

because sub-conciously i like them a lot.

you don't understand how much it shames me to say so. it fills me with humiliation, pain and... and.. and even deeper humiliation and pain that i like doing these self absorbed, grammatically challenged quizzes, where the word "think" or "thought" or "intellect" has never been seen in the dictionaries of the people that MAKE these quizzes. no, they aren't even quizzes to me anymore. it's just one question, one repeated question that asks me what's going on in my life. and all i have to answer is : work.

OH THE SHAME OF IT ALL.

i've even started to copy some into word documents and saved them... for later....

and i whisper in horror to myself; 

"noooooooooooooo..."

what are you woman? are you stupidity, with horrendous grammar, that would repulse even the homeless man on the street? or are you.. you... a... woman?!

on a brighter note, i've started to sketch two portraits. though, they are of the same person... and it concerns me that i am sketching them... but see, they're difficult to sketch. they have these characteristics about them that i can't capture, and i pains me that i can't get them right. i'm a bit of a perfectionist come sketching. or anything that i draw really. unless it's oil pastels. i love oil pastels.

but what i can't seem to get right is the mouth. i can get the nose right, the eyes right (and i had to practice a lot with eyes) the shape of the face, the hair, everything but the mouth... and i think i'm scared of getting it wrong. because this person once upon a time to me was perfect. and if i get this picture wrong, perhaps i'm facing the reality that they aren't perfect, which they aren't of course, but still... i like to think it's perfect. 

anyway. i'm off to do some more re-designing for work, oh joy.

peace out homes.

chilli books and songs

i really quite like this live version to I'm Yours (Jason Mraz). i'm a bit obsessed actually. i sing it all the time now. it's nice i thinks. it suits the days that are coming. it's beachy. i like beachy. i'd love to perform it some time soon.

another thing i've become completely obsessed over lately are chillies. goddam, i love chillies. we have these green chillies that are so hot, and i love them. i think i'm become a chilli addict. yuuuuummmmm....

and ice cream. it's so fattening,but hell, i don't care anymore. i don't need to look good for anyone, but me.

i've been reading two books at the same time. one is Agatha Christie's 50 short stories Hercule Poirot and the other is Perfume: Story of a Murderer. both are so good, that i couldn't read them one at a time. don't you love books that do that to you?
that grip you so well that you can hardly wait to wake up the next day to read it? yeah, that's how i am.

this blog is going to be very short, because i'd rather much spend my time reading in the sun and tanning. i'll do that in about 15minutes:)

anyway, i'm getting better. life is getting better. i'm learning to forget. though last night, i saw a star and saw the half moon. it reminded me of how i felt like a half. and my other half was in the dark.
anyway,

i'm off to eat chilli hehe.

"well open up your mind and see like meeeeeee..."

If but, however, nevertheless.

i often think in times of loneliness of music and a certain person. and i realise that the music i think of associates with that certain person sometimes the music i think of is rich, classical symphonies, full of beauty, enriched with emotion and also full of power and fear. i wish that i could write that music in words. not musical notes, but full bodied words, words that were actually worthy of the substance that the music is created from.

and then i think of the person. and that one person... it hurts to think about. because every time i think of them, the hollow part of my heart seems to grow increasingly in size and then that hollowness crawls into my eyes. the black void that is ever present, makes its presence felt even more in the loneliness. and i wish that i could just hug that person, to feel them wrap themselves around me again, to fall asleep next to them again, just to know that they are there...

however. it is this music that constantly fills my mind, and so ergo, my mind is constantly filled with memories of that certain person. of times, good and bad.

but i'm dead to that person. and they must be dead to me.

nevertheless. i still think about them constantly. and i wish it were not so. i wish it were not so...

but i love those songs, those memories. because i think that, in the end, they have become something that i need. that are a part of me. and so in that knowledge, to know that i am dead to that person, and so they therefore must be dead to me also, and love those memories and those songs...

my loneliness has gotten the better of me. and it has become my friend and enemy that i have begun to love more deeply than anything i have loved before, and hated more than hatred itself.

On the first day of '09...

Paramore introduced us into the new year of 2009. along with the fireworks and drunken yells of HAPPY NEW YEAR HAPPY NEW YEAR OUCH THAT HURT...WHOOO...OOOOH...AHHH... MORE FUCKING SPARKLERS!!!!... etc. etc.

yes we were indeed just a bit drunk. just a little bit. 

so that's how my new year started. partying with my best mates, the ones that had actually stuck with me, put up with me, accepted me for who i was throughout the year of 2008. and i love them so much for it. thanks guys. i owe you one. a big one.

yet, the year of '09 isn't starting off as perfectly as i hoped. i'm still left wondering in a lot of areas in my life, still left thinking if i should move on, or if i should give it another go, or if i should try and forget, and block out whatever it is that eats me up. i try and take deep breaths, and say, "you can do it, you can do it" i try and convince myself things will be better once i start school. and i'm sure they will. but i think i know what i need to do, after much thought. because i can't change the way people think of me, or if they want to push me away, i can't change that, as hard as i try.

because i don't want to be an idiot anymore. because i know that now, more than ever, the one that you want to save you, will sometimes not be there. you have to save yourself.

and that no matter who i am, what i do, or what is happening in my life... i have to learn to live my life. my life. 

and that's what i learnt on the first day of '09.